TW: Miscarriage, D&C

We had reasons to believe our pregnancy wouldn’t be viable pretty early on, but baby kept on trucking through. We had a positive test and a week or two later there was quite a bit of spotting. We saw a Doctor and she indicated it was all old blood, but would keep an eye on HCG levels and set for an ultrasound next week.

The HCG levels didn’t double in 48 hours, and instead went like this:

5,591 – 9/29

6,379 – 10/1

8,787 – 10/3

9,598 – 10/5

13,447 – 10/7

43,003 – 10/18

Since the numbers didn’t double on 10/1, Doctor ordered an ultrasound to ensure there wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy. The ultrasound tech only found a gestational sack and a yolk sack, but no fetal pole. No worries, it’s still early on we’ll try again in a week.

One week later, we saw the fetal pole and baby measured 5 weeks 6 days instead of 7 weeks. I knew my ovulation was off, so we weren’t worried about that. The Doctor saw us later that day and said he was no more worried about this pregnancy than any other one.

We had our first appointment with Deb on 10/18, everything looked good and we left with instructions to return in two weeks to get a look at baby.

There was some spotting after sex in week 7, but that’s normal early on.

On 11/1 we went back to see our midwife, and had another scan done of baby. She couldn’t hear the heart beat and thought baby looked small. We were scheduled for another ultrasound in two weeks.

Unable and unwilling to wait that long, I scheduled a private ultrasound for 11/5. At this appointment, baby only measured 8 weeks 3 days and they were unable to find a heartbeat.

Throughout the pregnancy, symptoms would come and go and were never really strong. I’ve had a bad feeling for about the past week or so, and apparently that is a sign that something happened.

On 11/7 we had another HCG lab drawn and my level went down to 8,834. I think that’s when I went numb. I knew my options, I knew there wasn’t a chance with this baby.

On 11/8 we had our hospital ultrasound done, the tech didn’t know what was going on so in a numb voice I just said, “Baby doesn’t have a heartbeat, you have to confirm that so we can move forward.” The tech got done what she needed to, Alex and I were silent the entire time. I spent the entire ultrasound trying to keep it together, blinking back tears the entire time. We left the clinic in silence. I don’t think we said anything to each other until we got home. Alex had to go to sleep as he worked that night, and I had to go into work. We hugged, and I left for work as though it was a normal day.

It was surreal to go into work and realize that everyone, including my very pregnant coworker, had gone on with their lives. My entire world stopped turning while I waited for the phone call from my midwife. Instead I got a MyChart notification with the readings from our ultrasound first. I skimmed through it until I read, ‘findings consistent with fetal demise.’ I thought that would break me, but instead I somehow pushed through with the rest of my work day.

At the end of the day I got the call from my midwife saying she was so sorry, this is a missed miscarriage, and laid out our options. Having been through this before, I knew I couldn’t go through with allowing the natural miscarriage. I couldn’t go through all that blood, knowing that it was the demise of our baby. I opted for a D&C, which was scheduled for Friday with a consult with a surgeon the day prior.

I met with this new Doctor, who will be our doctor moving forward as we’ve been diagnosed with recurrent miscarriages, who explained the process with great care. We met her on Friday, 11/11, when the D&C was performed, and we went home baby-less and heartbroken.

Here I am, 5 days later, still figuring out how we’re going to do life. I’m still breaking the news to some people who don’t follow me on social media or see me every day, and it’s like getting my heart broken all over again.

Dear baby,

I thank God every day for every moment we got to love you.