Up until April 27, 2021, miscarriage was a dirty word in our house. A taboo word even. Infertility wasn’t discussed as a possibility, and kids weren’t quite on the table yet. With COVID, our plan for an extended European honeymoon got put on the back burner and we were content with waiting until after our honeymoon and reception to push the kid topic.

I had my Nexplanon removed on January 5, 2021 as I was starting to get some strange side effects from it. We started using the fertility awareness method and TempDrop to track fertility and sure enough, we ended up with a positive test in April. On April 27, we both went to work on a normal day when I noticed some irregular bleeding. I had thought it was just spotting and moved on with my day after Alex had assured me that it probably wasn’t anything and to get checked out after work if it continued.

I continued to work with a higher level of anxiety than usual, and by the end of the day the bleeding hadn’t stopped. I called the nurses hotline and they had advised to go to Urgent Care to get checked out. After meeting with some kind nurses and an ultrasound technician, the ER Doctor stopped in and heartlessly told me I was miscarrying and to go home. Unfortunately, A was still in training at work and wasn’t able to leave so I went in alone and he received updates via text throughout the night.

By the time I left the ER, I called my husband and he spoke with his sergeant and was able to come home to be with me. Until that moment all I thought about miscarriages were, “it won’t happen to me,” after all, I had done everything I could to prevent it. I ate healthy and exercised, I took my vitamins and prayed heavily. Yet, the cruel joke came down on us that we were losing the child we weren’t fully prepared for.

From that day forward, I’ve worried about our fertility. I’ve worried that maybe we just weren’t cut out to be parents. I’ve worried that pregnancy would be our only chance at having children. It’s a non-stop narrative of suspecting why we are now a miscarriage statistic.

Eventually, we started working on ourselves– reaching out for help when we needed it, working on creating healthier lives, creating more enriching lives for our pups, and working on making our house a home. Now we sit in wait for our rainbow baby, following the advice to “not stress,” and take it one day at a time.

I’ve decided to start sharing my journey with others, as that is what has helped me cope the most. If you aren’t one for unfiltered posts, collaborations with mothers going through the same things, or looking for a smattering of lifestyle mixed with humor- this may not be the space for you. But if you’re looking for support, a virtual hug, a laugh, and some fun in between- welcome friend, I can’t wait to get to know you.

In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born,” says the Lord. “If I cause you the pain, I will not stop you from giving birth to your new nation,” says your God.

Isaiah 66:9